State of the Hope

In 10 days, I'll have my guts rearranged.

I know, right? I'm a bit overwhelmed, too.

As some folks already know, I have stage 3 rectal cancer. There is every reason to expect that I'll be cancer free after treatment. It helps that I'm young for rectal cancer, have excellent medical insurance, and that I live where there is outstanding cancer treatment available.

I've already had radiation therapy, which was even more successful than expected. The side effects were no fun, but not nearly as bad as they could have been. Also, radiation side effects are totally worth it to kill cancer. Next up, I'll have surgery on October 3. The surgery will be in Chapel Hill, so I can be worked on by an expert. It will be a 3 - 7 day hospital stay. Because the tumor is very low in the rectum, I will have a permanent colostomy afterward. Having a colostomy is far, far better than having cancer.

Once I'm sufficiently recovered from the surgery, I'll start 4 months of infusion chemotherapy. That will probably not be a walk in the park, but, still, it will be totally worth it to finish off whatever remaining cancer cells might be hanging about.

Cancer Eviction is my main focus from now until the job is done. I have a lot of support, for which I am very grateful. Dealing with the medical bills is not as difficult as it would be if I hadn't been working in medical billing for so long. It's still no fun to be on this side of the process, but at least I come into it with a good idea of what to expect and how to handle it all. My insurance is very good and covers quite a lot.

Financially, I'm in good shape, although I may need to pass the hat down the road. I'll holler if I get to that point.

The medical professionals are doing most of the actual work on cancer eviction. My job is to stay as healthy as I can while following the treatment plan.

I stink at keeping in touch at the best of times, so my plan is to post updates here on my neglected blog. Do ask anything you like - talking about all of this stuff is therapeutic for me. Do ask me to stop if it gets too gross or TMI. Surgery is gross in general, recovering from butt-cancer surgery even more so - but that won't stop me from talking about :)

I'll post details soon, with TMI warnings as needed.

XOXOXO

P.S. I haven't kept up perfectly with Story a Day September, but I have written quite a few stories this month :)

StoryADay September!

Yes, I am participating in StoryADay September! For this challenge, I will write a short story every day in September. If I can stand to let other people see any of them, I'll post them here :)

Story A Day May 2017, story 1

I am participating in the Story a Day May writing challenge :)

Today's rough draft is inspired by today's writing prompt

Sunday, 11am
Funerals always make me feel my age.

I leaned on my cane coming home from the funeral. My darling daughter got took me home and got me settled before going on to her own home. First I thanked my lucky stars to have family that cared more about me than the cost of my upkeep, then I started to open my mail. Most of it was junk, of course. Out of habit, I put aside anything brightly colored that Birdie might want for her collages. It was her funeral today. I left the papers aside. I couldn't bring myself to toss them - not yet. There was just one more envelope to open. I checked the return address three times, I was so shocked - it was from Birdie! Did she mail something right before she died?

I have never opened an envelope so slowly in my entire life. You would have thought I was afraid a monster might fall out of it. Or a ghost.

It was one of birdie's collaged postcards. I was sure she hadn't shown it to me the last time I saw her. I thought about calling my daughter - maybe I was seeing things? I certainly wasn't going to call the so-called "nursing" staff, even if I was seeing things. But, I also wasn't going to drag my daughter back across town because I'd gone soft in the head. If it was my imagination, at least I was still creative enough to invent a really gorgeous postcard. Well, the postcard from the dead wasn't going to read itself.
Reading glasses cleaned on settled on my nose, I turned the card. After an eternal moment, I opened my eyes and read. "I'm not dead. Meet me Tuesday night at 8 behind the dungeon."

"If you're really alive," I told the postcard, "I am going to kill you."

Tuesday, 8PM, behind the community Physical Therapy room.

I can't believe I'm actually standing here, waiting for a dead woman to come explain herself. Or waiting to find out that I really have gone off my rocker. Or waiting here to scare the bejeezus out of someone else sneaking around. You'd be surprised at how well old people can sneak. It's a survival skill around here. I must have been at least as nervous as I was angry - as soon as I heard steps, I changed my grip on my cane, ready to smack someone.

Birdie said, "I knew you didn't really need that cane."

"I won't, if you explain yourself Right. Now."

Birdie's wrinkled face split into a grin. "Don't beat me up now that I'm finally free!"

My jaw dropped. I lowered my cane. Holy shit. The old bitch really was alive. I babbled as we embraced, so glad to have my friend still, and so angry to have had to mourn her. Relief won, so I didn't strangle her.

"Okay," I said, holding her hands, "What the hell?"

"I'm free! My rotten kids can stop bitching about how much I'm draining their inheritance, the nannies here can stop treating me like a crazy person, and I can do whatever I like."

I blinked. Her kids really were terrible. I'd stay with her when they visited, partly for moral support and partly so she wasn't the only one to hear the terrible things they said. Lately they'd been hinting that Birdie was in mental decline, and needed to make of them her power of attorney. It was just a ploy to get at her money, of course, but try telling the staff here that. No one is going to believe an old lady.

She must have seen comprehension finally dawn on me. "Yup. I'm out. I've cashed out all of my investments, put it all in accounts under my maiden name. I'm going to have a very good time on my children's inheritance."

Sunday Sodium Survey, Week Four

Days tracked: 1/22/17 to 1/27/17
Daily goal: less than 2000 mg sodium per day
Days goal met: Very nearly all

One day last week I went over 2000 mg Na by 10 mg. I very nearly reported that I met the goal every day, but if I'm going to fudge by a little it'll be easier to fudge by a lot. For me, the hard limit works best.

Avoiding hunger is key. I still resent having to eat low sodium. As long as I don't get too hungry I don't have to struggle as hard against salty food cravings. I have these cravings, of course, they're just easier to keep on the back burner.

Big news from this last week - I went to my bellydance class again! I hadn't been to Tribaret in ages. I can't dance the whole class yet, but I danced as much as I could, and it was wonderful :)

In even bigger news, I got to see a friend I hadn't seen in years! She's heading to TX for a while, but at least it will be less than 4 years before I see her again :)

Finally, the little news this week is that I have done a little bit of writing :) I don't have anything sharable, just some bits and pieces. I may share once I have a complete story done.

Have a great week, folks!

Drabble for Story a Day May!

I am very pleased to report that I have written a short story for each day of this month so far :) I'm not ready to share the first two, but today's drabble feels ready to share. I was inspired by this prompt, to use the last line of a book I love as the last line of my story. Huge piles of nerd points if you recognize the line :)

A crash sent Jason running downstairs. He stepped into the kitchen slowly, remembering how often voices had been raised in anger recently. Parenting a teenager seemed to be almost as tough as being one. He found his wife and son covered in splatters of what had to be the candy they were making. Sprays and splatters festooned everything. For a moment, they all held their breath. Someone snorted, as if holding in laughter. In a moment, Jason was pulled into a sticky three-way hug, all of them dissolving into helpless laughter.

Even with nougat, you can have a perfect moment.

National Poetry Month, day 30

I want to sweep words across the page to the swell and sway of my thoughts
Treble, darting ideas dancing harmony with the bass-drop beat of my heart
fast-twitch words adding snap to sinuous lines unrolling across the page
to fill and move your mind like music fills and moves my body

Holding this page in your hand, these electrons on your screen,
will your mind follow the lead I've written? How could I even know?
May the space here cleared give you something you can use; a moment of peace,
a kick in the brain, even just the pleasure of the poem ending.

National Poetry Month day 29

A pair of unconnected lunes for day 29 :)

playing with hair toys
magic comb
cascade ponytail

Fresh, on-trend glasses
youthful look
transitional lens

National Poetry Month day 28

Today I am very grateful for the NaPoWriMo prompt for today. I just couldn't get anything started until I read that prompt!

Drive out of the parking lot, into your week's vacation
Before that
Stroll out of the office with the remnants of jautiness
Before that
Clock out for the week, and for the month
Before that
Walk back to your desk to clock out
Before that
Remember you haven't clocked out
Before that
Stroll out of the office, jaunty and ready for vacation
Before that
Take one final look around your desk, happy to see everything in its place
Before that
Collect your things from on and under your desk
Before that
Change your voicemail greeting and set up your email autoresponder
Before that
Process, pass on, and clear any lingering tasks
Long before that
Request time off for the week after your birthday

National Poetry Month day 27

Today I've combined the NaPoWriMo prompts from today and Monday:

O what is it in me that makes me tremble so at voices?
Words poured into your ear, both intimate and impersonal when you're taking a call in the customer service phone bank.
The exactly phrasing varies, but you know that almost all the calls tell one of a few stories
Those few distill down to one voice reaching out through wires or towers or digital signals
This voice questing into telephonic infrastructure, trusting to technology for transformation and guidance,
For the means to reach out to you. This voice cast like a net in hope of finding the help, the remedy, the solution
You can provide

National Poetry Month day 26

I wrote a lune for my dad's birthday :)

On this special day
I love you!
Happy Birthday, Dad!

National Poetry Month day 25

A lune of enthusiasm and encouragement:

You know you want to,
2016
Story a Day May

I am super excited about Story a Day May this year, especially since I might actually manage to write all 31 stories! I will post about the process and my progress, and at least some of the stories. If any of you good folks will be participating, let me know - we can help each other stay on track :)

National Poetry Month day 24

Shoe Sonnet

Party shoes can be a lot of fun
Matching colors to your favorite dress
Trying on until you find the one
That's just the one to make you look your best.

The shoes you wear to work are different still
Footwear maketh how you are perceived
Even when you work more than your fill
What's on your feet trumps what you may achieve.

Even when you're going to the gym
You find a shoe designed for any need
Who can know the best match for your limb,
When so much of advice is mixed with greed?

Yet none of these can ever be so sweet
As walking, dancing in just my own bare feet

National Poetry Month, day 23

marathon training
then to find
only room to sprint

National Poetry Month days 21 and 22

Poem for day 21:

Middle class, "good girl" teenager
Radio plays her secret love
Intimate, explicit superstar

This former teenager's formerly secret love, always a superstar

Poem for day 22:

Procrastination
by nature?
Enneagram 9

National Poetry Month day 20

Nephew's birthday gift

Is also a gift for me

Welcome to Nightvale

National Poetry Month day 19

Nerdy poetics
mathematics of the date
indivisible

National Poetry Month days 17 and 18

Yesterday was International Haiku Day, and I totally failed to write one. My only consolation is writing one today :)

Wisdom sprinkling
Through seventeen syllables
scattered spring blossoms

And for today, a Terzanelle:

Declining years of lifetime's palace
Tears and laughter ever shower,
Mixing joy with tender sadness

Some will smile and some will glower,
Meaning's in the story told,
Tears and laughter ever shower.

Be bold, be bold, and still too bold.
Striving then failing is still success,
Meaning's in the story told.

Whether moving or at rest,
Do or do not; there is no try.
Striving then failing is still success.

Study, learn, and then DECIDE,
Choose the path of larger life.
Do or do not; there is no try.

Drink the sweet with the strife.
Declining years of lifetime's palace,
Choose the path of larger life
Mixing joy with tender sadness

National Poetry Month day 16

I love today's prompt on NaPoWriMo! In case you're curious, I'll post today's answers to the Almanac Questionnaire after the poem :)

If I cannot have your voice
The wind and waves will
be my only music

Almanac Questionnaire

Weather: Warm to hot, moderated by sea breezes

Flora: minimal, because of the salt on the breeze. Live oak grow gnarled and sculptural, shaped by the wind. Some dune-holding plants, and kelp and other ocean plants that get wash on and off of the sand.

Architecture: None, unless you're going to call temporary structures like tents architecture

Customs: Always warn others about encroaching seagulls - they're bold as brass around here.

Mammals/reptiles/fish: all the usual intertidal suspects, anenomes, sea stars, crustaceans, mussels, barnacles

Childhood dream: To spend time here without having to return to "real" life

Found on the Street: sea glass, shells

Export: seafood

Graffiti: minimal, and generally effaced by the salt spray

Lover: Me!

Conspiracy: developers try to find ways to sneak into law ways to make beaches private and keep the public away

Dress: swimsuits, casual wear

Hometown memory: stepping out into the waves, playing with the waves like with a friend

Notable person: Me!

Outside your window, you find: the Pacific ocean

Today’s news headline: Neap Tide reaches Record High

Scrap from a letter: "one day. For now, the wind will have to be my music, if i cannot have your"

Animal from a myth: Kraken

Story read to children at night: The Little Mermaid

You walk three minutes down an alley and you find: A cave in a rock formation

You walk to the border and hear: Highway traffic

What you fear: Developers

Picture on your city’s postcard: Sunset over the ocean

National Poetry Monday day 15

Today's poem is inspired by today's NaPoWriMo Prompt

You do the best you can
Like every day
Everything changes
Like every day
You do the best you can

National Poetry Month, Day 13 and 14

I did write this yesterday, but left it at my workplace instead of posting it - oops

Last Fortune Cookie
The child's had two desserts
half a soda
wants ice cream at home
And still tries to sneak the last fortune cookie

And a lune for today:

The sunset's meaning
is a gift
by and for yourself